Ok, so I have had a really stressful day and I haven’t really been blogging in a long time but since someone actually decided to pay attention to this I figured I would write to try to release some of the stress that I am feeling right now so I don’t end up strangling myself again. I figure I have done it the past couple nights and it is getting pretty late so I can handle it for the rest of the night and just go to bed. So yah, this morning wasn’t too bad. I got up early and went to school because we all have to go in at 8 am because there is only one car right now and Mary had to work at 8. For the first hour I didn’t really do much. We went and got some coffee and kinda just hung out in the engineering lounge. Then at 9 a girl that apparently hates me and is only nice to me to be manipulative and show me how much her life is better than mine came and sat with me. I needed to study and didn’t really feel like talking to her so one of my friends and I went to the lab to study for our Assembly Language test. We kinda studied for like an hour and we pretty much felt like we knew what we were doing. I understood the basic commands and how to use them to perform a given function so I thought I was fine. For the rest of the time we pretty much just hung out in the lab. So apparently we weren’t at all prepared for the exam. It turned out to be almost entirely on how the bits of memory map on a processor. It is something that we have kinda talked about as we learned new functions but it was never really the primary topic of any lectures. I felt I didn’t know what I was doing on any of the questions and there were only 5 of them so I know I failed. That was definitely stressful. After that I just hung out with one of my friends and then had lunch with a group of friends. I couldn’t go home until 4 because I don’t have a car so I went to a lab and worked on my comp sci project. I am behind on it because I should have started a week ago but I didn’t have a computer at home and didn’t really have time to work on it at school. I was really stressed out but I did manage to get some of my project done so that wasn’t that bad. When I got home I didn’t really do much because we were going to go out shopping so I basically just waited around. Shopping wasn’t bad and I am getting my phone replaced because it randomly turns off which is good that it didn’t cost me much. When I got home I kinda ate and then was just hanging out but my anxiety level was really high. I basically just watched tv and didn’t really accomplish much which is really stupid of me but whatever. I guess its better than getting stressed to the point that I have a break down for strangle myself. I don’t think I am particularly close to a breakdown yet which is good but choking myself obviously isn’t a particularly a good way to handle things. I am being way to introspective lately. I can’t get out of my head. I always fine pretending everything is ok around people and generally I can convince myself of it, at least on the surface. I logically know that things aren’t ok but as long as I don’t focus on that things are fine. I guess since I have seeing a therapist again and reading a book about boarderline personality disorder I am analyzing myself a lot more. I am still curious if I actually have boarderline personality disorder. They wanted me to do the whole dialectic behavioral therapy which is designed for people with BPD but no one has every technically diagnosed me with anything. Technically I haven’t exactly been diagnosed with even depression though that one is pretty obvious and I am taking meds for it. Anyways, I do see a lot of myself in the character in the book I am reading and technically I fit the description but that doesn’t exactly make me sure. I am far more in control than any of the people in the psych stuff that I read but then I guess if they were in control they wouldn’t exactly have a book. I really want to ask what I technically have but I highly doubt I would get a direct answer. Anyways, back to tonight. When I got home I started talking to one of my friends who is having a lot of problems handling college and stress, etc. She is a friend from high school and basically came to school here because of me. She is like my little sister and I really want to protect her. She is already crashing though. She has already had a panic attack and we are only in week 4. She can’t seem to handle the stress and is getting completely burned out already. I am worried what is going to happen because she is this bad already. It really frustrates me because I can see myself in her. I went through so much of the stuff and it really pains me to see her go through it. I don’t wish what I have been through on anyone and I so badly want to fix everything for her. The problem is I don’t know the answers. I don’t know how to fix it and make things better. I feel like it is my job to fix it and I desperately want to help her but I don’t know how. Then as I am talking to her my computer was being incredibly slow which made it difficult to talk and then my mom calls. So she is telling me all of the things that are going on at home and I still feel that I should be there and helping her but there isn’t really anything I can do about that either. It was a lot more stressful when I was actually home because I had to see it everyday and see her pain and be helpless but I still know her pain. I want to help her but I can’t. There are all these people that I desperately want to help and desperately want to fix their lives but I can’t and I feel horrible. I am not exactly handling my own problems all that well at the moment. I don’t want anyone to have the feelings I have though. When I see people hurting I feel like it is my job to fix it and I can’t but I can’t just accept that. Anyways, basically things aren’t going well because I can’t get out of my head. My life is pointless and honestly if I let myself think about it I really don’t have a reason to live. My shrink keeps trying to figure out why I am not dead yet with all the horrible thoughts I have. I know she is just trying to figure out what keeps me going so she can improve that and give me more reason to be alive but I don’t really have a reason. Honestly I have no idea why I am still alive and that is frustrating to think about. I don’t care if I die. I don’t care if I am in pain. I pretty much don’t care about any of it. I obsess about grades and being perfect yet I know in the long run none of it matters. I am pretty much always a failure. Anything I do has no real worth and I don’t know why I endure everyday. I am alive because people seem to need me to be alive. I know I would hurt people and probably destroy some people if I were to kill myself and I can’t seem to forgive myself for that. I guess I feel like it is ok for me to suffer if it benefits other people. I don’t really care about my own feelings or my own pain as long as I survive. I guess I haven’t really thought about that very much, but that is basically the reason I am living. I see my life as worthless and myself as worthless but I know it would hurt others if I were to die so I keep on living. The bad part is that is a horrible reason for being alive. I guess its good in the fact that it can be seen as self sacrificing or whatever but I don’t really see it that way. I guess that is why my life is so tenuous. I really don’t want to live but I feel like I don’t have a choice. The thing is I can’t live forever for other people. There is a point. At a certain point I can’t handle it all. I can handle more physical and emotional pain than most people in general but I guess even I have a limit even if I don’t like to admit it. I guess that goes into the whole thing about me feeling I am a burden on others. If my life only continues to prevent hurting others, than my existence should not trouble others in any way. I guess that is goes into the whole feeling like I am a burden on those around me. If I never existed people wouldn’t have to worry about it. I wouldn’t pain anyone if I were dead because I was never there in the first place. That is the optimal solution. I hate that I exist or that I ever existed. Unfortunately I can’t simply wipe myself from existence because that isn’t possible. I don’t let people get close to me because then I become more of a burden on them and it would be worse if I were to die. I don’t feel like people should have a connection to me. I am worthless. I try to be there for everyone else and fix all their problems even when there isn’t really anything I can do. That is my only purpose in being alive. If I can not fix others problems and prevent them from being in pain then that makes it even worse that I exist. Unfortunately I have to exist and cannot wipe myself from existence so I feel that I need to take the burdens of everyone else. I hurt myself when I can’t handle thing because that seems to be the only way that I can actually relieve all the horrible things that I feel and I don’t care what happens to me. I don’t care what pain I feel physically or mentally because I don’t matter. I can learn to deal with it. Part of the whole pushing it to increase the pain is the fact that it could kill me. In my mind I am technically not allowed to die but I desperately want to. Therefore I hurt myself in a dangerous way so that I can basically accidently kill myself. If I do it intentionally then it is unforgiveable and even though I will be dead the effect that it will have on other people is something that is worth more than ending my pain. Everytime I have attempted to kill myself there was always a chance that it wouldn’t happen. I used to tell myself that I wasn’t actually going to die and make plans for the next day as I was attempting to kill myself. If I do it with the purpose of killing myself than I can’t because that is being selfish. However, if I do it simply to hurt myself that is ok and if I “accidentally” die in the process it is ok because that is what I really want in the first place. I often think of how people would react to my death. I want to know how it would affect them. I try to convince myself that people would care and it wouldn’t affect them but I know it isn’t true. The people I am trying to help are at the point where I don’t know if they could handle me dying. I guess it goes back to fighting for two completely opposite things. Before I was more aware of the battle and so it exhausted me more and stressed me out more. It still goes on in my head every day but I try to not be consciously aware of it. My life is best when I am not consciously aware of all the bad things. I am so used to pretending that everything is ok that I can temporarily make myself believe it. I guess I logically know that this can’t last forever though. My life have been absolute hell for years. I have attempted to kill myself and put my life in danger a lot. Eventually something is going to happen. I guess that is what I am waiting for. I know that something is going to have to happen eventually I just don’t know when. I obsess myself with being perfect because almost failing in sophomore year is what got me in trouble. I have to try to be perfect to prove to everyone else and try to convince myself that I am ok. I obviously can never be perfect and will always be a failure but I am ok with that. I have accepted that I am always a failure and kinda comes with the territory considering I don’t deserve to exist. My entire life is this very carefully structured façade. I am so used to it that at times I can believe it. My happiness used to be manufactured but now it is simply a part of who I am. I smile even when I am talking about horrible things because I can’t allow myself to attach to them. I have learned that I should react to everything with smiling and laughing. I have basically failed 2 tests this week which is going to crush me when I get the grades and I know that, but afterwards I was smiling. I was ranting about how it frustrated me and was hyper because the anxiety I felt but I was smiling and laughing. It is basically the only acceptable way to respond to things. It isn’t something I choose to do, it simply is. Every once and a while I will look back and notice it and sometime people will notice that I smile and laugh even when I should be upset but it is how I deal with daily life. I cannot allow any crack in my façade. I have built my existence upon it and if it falls apart then there is nothing left. I don’t necessarily fear the nothingness but I guess I don’t know how I would survive it. This is how I survive. My life is hell but I keep going on for others. I know that at any moment my life could completely fall apart because none of it is real and I don’t know if I would be able to survive that. My entire life is about survival. Everything I do an all of the ways that I have adapted both good or bad are simply to survive. I have developed defense mechanisms that have basically turned into disorders because that is what was necessary. I am not allowed to die though so all my energy must be focused on surviving. So as for not I basically just exist and wait. I do what I need to in order to keep going but I really have no idea what is going to happen. Eventually everything is going to crack and I know that is going to be really bad, probably both for me and others. I am more concerned about what it would do to others though. Until then I basically just wait. I do whatever I need to and see what happens. Anything beyond this single moment I live in is unknown. The past is gone because it is too bad and not important to think about. I cannot let myself dwell in the past. The future is something that I can’t count on because it is so uncertain. I make plans on a regular basis but I don’t exactly look forward to them. If things happen then they happen if not whatever. I see no point in looking forward to things when there is basically the chance that at any moment it could all fall apart. I don’t really live in the present because everything I do is a façade. All of my reactions are things that I have basically learned. I guess since there is no real past, present or future I don’t really have anything. I don’t have people I can depend on I try to limit the people that care about me and try to pull away when people get close because I think it could be detrimental to them. No one deserves to deal with me. No one can handle how I think and feel. I guess when I sit and look at it I really have absolutely nothing. Kinda sad in a way but I am not going to really think about it because I shouldn’t think about bad things. Anyways, I think I am going to stop writing now. This is a really long entry and probably very redundant but it has actually given me a lot of insight. As I keep writing I make new realizations that seem to connect to how I think. A lot of it makes more sense now. Not sure that it really helps anything but I like to know what is going on. I like to be able to analyze it. I basically discovered why I am not dead yet. That is a question several people have asked and I never really had an answer to. Anyways, I am going to stop now and attempt to relax. I am hoping that by slightly understanding my mind a little more I can better adapt to it.